jesus. husband. babies

jesus. husband. babies

Monday, January 6, 2014

I never want to be a woman I admire.


Gayle Haggard, Shari Dolleman, Rebecca Fisk, Annie Oletzke, Sara Garcia, Tamera Cole, 
Susan Ridout

These are a few of the women that I admire. I admire them for different reasons. Some have dealt with marriage struggles, miscarriages, and infertility, losing children, losing husbands and debilitating sins. But the main theme is they have all had to face awful circumstances and have overcome them. Overcoming is the key.

I could make a list of women that I know, 100 times longer then the one above, of women who have dealt with equally awful circumstances. Horrible things that no person, no wife or mother, should ever have to deal with but they chose a different path. They didn’t overcome. They chose to, truthfully, be a prisoner to their circumstance.

I was in youth ministry for 9 years. It was exhausting at the time to see young girls and hear about their emotional issues, I mean how many times can a person make the same decision (with boyfriends, friends or family) and still be surprised things didn’t work out? Add to that the emotions of a teenage girl (or a handful of them while I was leading a small group) and you just get tired. Luckily, a lot of them grew up and moved onto a different season of life. A handful of them got married and I have loved seeing them grow into adults, people I can call friends.

But with those changing of seasons a lot of them have had some really awful circumstances come their way. Getting phone calls and hearing one is pregnant out of marriage, hearing parents have died, their babies have died and hearing their marriages are literally hanging in the balance. I have cried and been so angry with life and the pain that everyday life brings.

I realized something that really has changed me. Seared my soul and transformed me.

I NEVER WANT TO BE A WOMAN I ADMIRE.

That sounds harsh, I really feel love for the women I listed but if I am to honest I DON’T want to del with what they dealt with. When I saw my own marriage failing and I decided to move out I didn’t want to work on it anymore or believe that God could do something. I wanted to just melt into the failure before me and move on.

The women I listed (I am sure) felt that too, but they decided that they wouldn’t do this by themselves. They decided that God’s grace is bigger than that and that he cares. He cares enough not to just get them through the issue but to heal their hearts from it and create character that they otherwise would not be able to produce.

Last year I miscarried our third baby at around 12 weeks. It was awful, I was so angry because I love being a mama; I love so many things about it. But as I drove away from the hospital, in pain emotionally and physically I was sobbing, crying out to God and all I could end with was saying over and over “God I know you care and you SEE ME, your heart sees me and my baby and you do care”.

So If I am to be totally honest I don’t WANT to lose another baby, I don’t want to lose my mom, I don’t want to see my marriage fall apart but from that, if I chose, I can be a woman I admire. I can be a woman who choses to honor God and be steadfast in his promise. He sees the awful; he lets it happen, why? So I will learn to depend on Him more, all I have is Him and His desire for me is that every good thing and every awful unconceivable thing would remind me that all I have in the whole world is Him.

I was talking with a friend yesterday who has been confronted with a situation that will completely break her life or will produce a marriage that is a testimony to so many women who will be forced to deal with the same sin. I ended with the words “Chose to be the kind of wife that you admire in others”.

So yeah, deep down I never want to be faced with the circumstances I have listed,. I don't want to walk out the day to day of forgiveness and choosing to trust God more than what is in front of me. But I so desperately covet being totally dependent on God so my only choice is to look at women I admire, the ones who have chosen to be victorious over excruciating circumstances and follow their lead. Trusting in a God who cares, who sees and cares.

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and he saves the crushed spirit. Psalms 34:18
He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3
Everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world-our faith. 1 John 5:4